so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
