thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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