He disabled his match.com account in front of me
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The Olympian is in my bed
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
