You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
