I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
