So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
