i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
