She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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