i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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