you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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