I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
