I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
