GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
