You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
