woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
