You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
