I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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