i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
