I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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