My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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