I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
