I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
