Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize