thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
