I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You made out with two different species that night
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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