My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
