y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
