I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
