I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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