you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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