she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
