I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
