I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
