he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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