my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
