remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
