she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
