you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
