he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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