Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Even my vagina gasped.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
