Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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