i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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