apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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