Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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