Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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