I molested 6 butterflies tonight
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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