Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize