We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize