if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
