She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
