am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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