its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In other news, I just burned my penis
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
