Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
