i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm passing your future prison.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
