Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
