i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
