wanna go halves on a baby?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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