Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
