im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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