I cannot find my penis.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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