I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
