You can't motorboat a personality
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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