Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
