I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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